Abstract This paper presents a systematic philosophical critique of General Relativity (GR) as a fundamentally unscientific enterprise that has been institutionally preserved despite categorical falsification. We demonstrate that the crisis of modern physics originates in a specific historical error: the geometric detour of 1915, which abandoned the causal completeness already present in Einstein's 1905 work — $E = mc^2$ and the photoelectric effect — in favor of the mathematical seduction of Riemannian geometry. We introduce the Jesus-Einstein parallel as a precise philosophical diagnosis: both were exceptional human beings mythologized post mortem by their followers, and both are innocent of the religions made in their names. We expose the accounting absurdity of institutional physics: the acceptance of 95% of physical reality as unobserved constructs — dark energy (68%), dark matter (27%), and seven extra spatial dimensions — while rejecting the 0.01% of reality that every conscious being directly experiences every second: agency. We demonstrate that GR fails as science across eleven independent dimensions: Methodological inversion. Fundamental incomprehensibility. Internal logical contradictions. Systematic failure under increased observational precision. Empirical refutation across multiple domains. Institutional protection through ad hoc inventions. Theoretical incompleteness relative to its own 1905 origins. Epistemological sequence inversion (Part 0E). The Ontological Ceiling (Part 0F): the structural impossibility of generating genuine ontological advance from within the Theory $\leftrightarrow$ Mathematics binary. Linguistic Mummification (Part 0G): the mechanism by which scientific nomenclature preserves the form of causal explanation while evacuating its content. Logical Illiteracy (Part 0H): a rigorous introduction to propositional logic demonstrating that the field's practitioners lack the formal tools required to diagnose the preceding ten failures. We introduce the taxonomic distinction between predictive science (engineering) and ontological science (physics): GR is science for the former and non-science for the latter — useful engineering built on causally empty foundations, the modern Ptolemy. The mathematics of a theory is not a neutral language; it is the DNA of the ontology that generated it. Attempting to extract new ontology from existing mathematics is not difficult; it is structurally impossible. The path forward is completion: returning to 1905, removing the 1915 detour, and finishing the Theory of Everything that was already 99.99% complete.