In this landmark paper, we undertake what is perhaps the most comprehensive, rigorous, and exhaustive investigation ever attempted in the history of mathematical literature regarding the simplification of the expression $\frac{\pi^2}{\pi}$. Through a meticulous application of the fundamental laws of exponentiation, the axioms of real analysis, the Zermelo-Fraenkel set theory with the Axiom of Choice (ZFC), category-theoretic frameworks, and an unprecedented level of mathematical rigour that would make even Bourbaki weep with joy, we demonstrate conclusively, definitively, irrevocably, and beyond any conceivable shadow of doubt that $\frac{\pi^2}{\pi} = \pi \approx 3.1415926535\ldots$. Our proof proceeds through forty-seven intermediate lemmas, twelve corollaries, nine propositions, six theorems, three conjectures (all of which we immediately resolve), two axioms that we introduce purely for dramatic effect, and one deeply emotional moment of mathematical catharsis. We furthermore explore the historical context of this result, tracing its intellectual lineage from the ancient Babylonians through Archimedes, Euler, Gauss, Ramanujan, and Terence Tao, among others. The philosophical implications of our finding are discussed at length that would make Wittgenstein reconsider his views on mathematical propositions. We also address potential objections from constructivists, intuitionists, ultrafinitists, formalists, platonists, nominalists, and that one person in every mathematics department who insists that $\pi = 3$ for engineering purposes. This paper contains approximately zero new results, which we believe makes it a strong candidate for publication in several top-tier journals simultaneously. Keywords: $\pi$, division, exponents, unnecessarily long proofs, academic padding, the meaning of life, trivial results presented with maximal pomposity.