Superpoint-based pipelines provide an efficient alternative to point- or voxel-based 3D semantic segmentation, but are often bottlenecked by their CPU-bound partition step. We propose a learnable, fully GPU partitioning algorithm that generates geometrically and semantically coherent superpoints 13$\times$ faster than prior methods. Our module is compact (under 60k parameters), trains in under 20 minutes with a differentiable surrogate loss, and requires no handcrafted features. Combine with a lightweight superpoint classifier, the full pipeline fits in $<$2 MB of VRAM, scales to multi-million-point scenes, and supports real-time inference. With 72$\times$ faster inference and 120$\times$ fewer parameters, EZ-SP matches the accuracy of point-based SOTA models across three domains: indoor scans (S3DIS), autonomous driving (KITTI-360), and aerial LiDAR (DALES). Code and pretrained models are accessible at github.com/drprojects/superpoint_transformer.