Abstract Predation, combat, and the slings and arrows of an abrasive and high impact environment, represent just some of the biotic and abiotic stressors that fishes are armored against. The Pacific Spiny Lumpsucker ( Eumicrotremus orbis ) found in the subtidal of the Northern Pacific Ocean is a rotund fish covered with epidermal, cone‐shaped, enamel odontodes. The Lumpsucker is a poor swimmer in the wave swept rocky intertidal, and this armor may be a lightweight solution to the problem of collisions with abiotic obstacles. We use micro‐CT and scanning electron microscopy to reveal the morphology and ontogeny of the armor, and to quantify the amount of mineralization relative to the endoskeleton. The non‐overlapping odontodes are organized into eight rows—six rows on the body, one row surrounding the eye, and one row underneath the chin. Odontodes start as a single, hooked cone; and they grow by the addition of cusps that accrete into a spiral. The mineral investment in armor compared to skeleton increases over ontogeny. Damage to the armor occurs both through passive abrasion and breakage from impact; and there is no evidence of replacement, or repair of damaged odontodes.