We propose that physical spacetime is a dense non-Newtonian suspension at the jamming transition, where energy density corresponds to particle volume fraction and the speed of light is the critical shear rate at which the substrate jams. We prove that a shear-thickening constitutive exponent α = 3/2 is the unique value reproducing the complete kinematic structure of special relativity — energy, momentum, γ³ resistance scaling, dispersion, and mass shell — exactly, and that mass-shell invariance selects the Lorentz group SO⁺(1,3) as the kinematic symmetry. We further prove that this exponent is not free but equals dν = 3 × 1/2, where d = 3 is the spatial dimension and ν = 1/2 the mean-field jamming correlation length exponent, derived via Landauer-bounded information processing in the frictional contact network. In volumetric coordinates, the speed of light is the critical shear rate γ̇c, universal for all embedded bodies regardless of size. The rest energy density E₀/V = (9/2)σc is an exact material constant determined by the DST onset stress alone. The Unruh–Visser acoustic metric provides curved effective spacetime from concentration gradients. The Bredberg–Keeler–Lysov–Strominger correspondence and the Padmanabhan null-surface projection establish that the low-shear Newtonian branch admits the holographic lift to the vacuum Einstein equations. Three falsifiable predictions are presented. Residual discrepancies are attributed to second-order supply chain losses and interannual corn crop yield instability.NOTE: This is semi-satirical.