We develop a covariant, phenomenological “processing-latency” theory of gravity designed to survive precision solar-system tests. Local gravitational time dilation and acceleration are treated as emergent consequences of finite information-processing capacity (“Physical Buffer”) rather than fundamental geometric curvature. A bounded information-load fraction measures the ratio of relevant local bits to causal-patch capacity. To restore a genuine event-horizon redshift limit under saturation, we introduce an unbounded bridge variable The physical metric is taken to be the corrected-sign conformal form so that implies and . We provide (i) a covariant action for coupled to matter via a Landauer-defined matter–information scalar ; (ii) field equations that recover Newton–Poisson exactly in the static weak-field regime with a forced parameter matching; (iii) an explicit diagnosis of the scalar-mediated “fifth force” that would otherwise violate Cassini constraints; and (iv) a full Vainshtein screening implementation (cubic Galileon derivative self-interaction) yielding suppression of scalar gradients inside a Vainshtein radius, thereby protecting PPN observables. We state minimal stability requirements, EFT consistency conditions, and a falsifiable experimental program (atomic clocks, Shapiro delay, light bending, LLR). The manuscript is written in “hostile referee mode”: all key arbitrariness objections are fixed to explicit definitions, dimensional closure is enforced, and parameter-space viability is shown as inequalities directly tied to solar-system bounds.