Abstract We present a unified picture of open quantum systems, the theory of a system probing a noisy thermal environment, distilling lessons learnt from previous holographic analyses. Our treatment is applicable both when the system is coupled to short-lived (Markovian), and long-lived (non-Markovian) environmental degrees of freedom. The thermal environment is modeled using an asymptotically AdS black hole, and the systems of interest are simple probe field theories. The effective stochastic dynamics of the system is governed by real-time thermal correlators, which we compute using the gravitational Schwinger-Keldysh (grSK) geometry. We describe the structure of arbitrary tree-level contact and exchange Witten diagrams in the grSK geometry. In particular, we argue, that all such diagrams reduce to integrals supported on a single copy of the exterior of the black hole. The integrand is obtained as a multiple discontinuity of a function comprising ingoing boundary-bulk propagators, monodromy functions which appear as radial Boltzmann weights, and vertex factors. These results allow us to deduce the analytic structure of real-time thermal n-point functions in holographic CFTs. We illustrate the general statements by a two-dimensional toy model, dual to fields in the BTZ background, which we argue captures many of the essential features of generic open holographic QFTs.