Have birth certificates outlived their usefulness? Birth certificates establish an individual’s name, identity, age, race, sex and gender, parental authority, and citizenship. In addition, the information collected at the time of birth and reflected on a long-form birth certificate provides data for public health policy, population statistics, internal migration, government planning, and resource allocation. Birth certificates are also the all-access pass to American life, necessary for many functions of modern life: registering a child in school, signing a child up for soccer, getting a driver’s license and passport, enlisting in the military, and applying for government benefits. All of this, for a simple and ubiquitous government document, is a lot. And some of these functions are contradictory, producing confusion and uncertainty about family connections, citizenship, and identity. Using birth certificates in adoption as a case study, this Article examines the contradictions inherent in relying on birth certificates to do too much. By examining the history and myriad functions of birth certificates, particularly in the context of adoption, this Article illustrates the ways our current regime of birth certificates creates inefficiencies, confusion, and outright deception. It proposes the disaggregation of the functions of birth certificates to reflect more accurately the valuable truths needed from this most important government document. In particular, this Article suggests an alternative to birth certificates—a series of narrowly tailored government documents, including a certificate of parental authority—to reflect more accurately the reality of today’s more complex lives and families.