We study static and dynamical properties that distinguish 2D crystals constrained to lie on a curved substrate from their flat-space counterparts. A generic mechanism of dislocation unbinding in the presence of varying Gaussian curvature is presented in the context of a model surface amenable to full analytical treatment. We find that glide diffusion of isolated dislocations is suppressed by a binding potential of purely geometrical origin. Finally, the energetics and biased diffusion dynamics of point defects such as vacancies and interstitials are explained in terms of their geometric potential.